Playing in the mud

week three and I am feeling a bit more settled in, I venture a little further out every day and don't get lost, well not nearly as lost as i did the first day.  Google maps is my hero and my crutch.  I still feel a bit weary of hungarians as they unabashedly stare at my clothes or my feet as i walk past them simply because i'm wearing flip flops on a rainy day. I wonder if they've ever considered the fact that skin dries quicker than socks, and flip flops quicker than sopped in shoes or boots.  i caught myself thinking, "oh i should probably change my shoes to something more appropriate when i go out again later..." but no, I say! NO!  if i feel inclined to wear sandals in the snow then i most certainly will.  why should i adhere to their social norms unless I see sense in them or by so doing i can become a better person? because really, when you think about it, social norms are more often than not so vacuous that you wouldn't want to be considered a conformer to them anyway.  that being said, I hereby pledge that i will not allow the bullying glances of others to alter my behaviour or clothing just because it is not "normal".  i will be myself around everyone, no matter how different I am from them, or they from me.  (in my mind, this statement is followed immediately by a curt nod of the head, with arms folded defiantly across my chest) :)  

So I guess when I say I'm feeling more settled in, it also means that I'm settling into myself and my own skin a bit more here too.  First two weeks of anything new, always an uncomfortable and stretching growing period.  Love it and hate it.  actually no, I mostly just hate it, but i love the results after all the unfamiliarity and discomfort and anxiety have subsided.  you should know that group email updates consist primarily of the positive.  Rarely in such emails will i insert the drab, dull, disturbing, yet honest facts about an experience, and if i do, it is often glossed over and laced with humor, making it come across as frivolous so as not to incite pity or worry.  while they are not untruthful, they may not always contain the whole truth. I would not consider them glamorized by any means; the good things really are that good, but there is of course bad long with the good, and that bit just usually gets omitted.   seeing as how this is not a group email, i will make you privy to some of the nitty gritty particulars of life in hungary thus far.  I also think the negative has just as much place and merit as the positive and it is sometimes with a bit of hesitation or regret that i refrain from elaborating on it in emails home.  so I guess this is just a bit of a disclaimer that these posts might sometimes be negative or have an occasional complaint sprinkled in with the goods. while lists in writing scream "tactless" to me, they help me organize my thoughts and save me from having to come up with transition sentences to connect them.  hence the following list: (note, I’m a little behind, so these posts took place a little over a week ago) 

Sep. 13  

1. I don't know why this is, but for some reason I feel timid and anxious here more than I ever have before in a new place. I’ve traveled a fair amount, I’ve experienced being in a new country before, not able to speak the language, why does it feel so different this time? I have to work myself up to going outside alone, going into grocery stores, post offices, engaging in any transaction that requires interaction with another person.  I feel like I have the word "FOREIGNER" plastered to my forehead in large bold letters, which for some admittedly irrational reason in my mind carries with it the same type of embarrassment and negative attention as the scarlet A donned by Hester Prynne.  I feel like everyone can see right through to my squeamish insides.  i think it's a combination of not knowing my way around yet and worrying about getting lost, of having gotten used to having jaron with me all the time and now being on my own most of the time, and not being able to speak or understand the language at all.  I am a mute!  I've been here less than ten days.  i think it'll get better.  i continue to dislike the first two weeks of anything new because it is unfamiliar and therefore uncomfortable.  But in the same breath, there is worth in those two weeks and they result in growth and more strength....because they are unfamiliar and therefore uncomfortable.  i think we need to be uncomfortable on a regular basis in order to reset priorities, keep our minds clear and unpolluted, and avoid complacency.  i also think there are very great rewards to look forward to after drudging through the discomfort but I'm trying to figure out if there's a better way to go about it. who wants to drudge? ever? even with a great reward awaiting you at the finish line.  I feel certain that there must be a way to not drudge through the muck but rather to puddle jump and slosh and skip through it with rain boots on and i'm determined to find that way.   one way that is helping with this is trying to have fun with the things that i usually deem negative or unsettling.  see #2 for further explanation. 

2. people here don't ever smile back at you, EVER. this has always been an irksome thing for me i think because it is such a phenomenon in my mind, i mean, i just don't understand how it is not someone's natural reaction, almost like a reflex, to smile back at someone in response to them smiling at you, even a slight little hint of a grin.  it is entertaining for me to walk around and smile at people and not just fleetingly but to hold their gaze and smile at them, willing them to smile back at me.  if they choose not to smile back I at least want them to squirm a little bit and feel uncomfortable with their decision.  when i see people staring at my flip flops or pants, i also like to stare at them and wait for their gaze to drift up to my eyes and just look at them, smiling like yeah, I've been watching you all along gawking at my bare toes.  contrary to what you might think though, this action gives me little satisfaction because from what i've observed thus far, they just don't seem to feel embarrassed at all that they were caught staring.  I might have to throw in a slight head nod or little up down eyebrow action, you know, the "hey, i'm flirting with you" kind of eyebrow raise.  and while it may be ineffective at evoking smiles and eradicating judgmental stares, it makes the muck of the first couple weeks a little less mucky. 

next time: Zumba with keaira lashae and desperate times call for desperate measures: turning to a life of thievery and gambling to make ends meet!